Sunday, May 30, 2010

Uncontrolled Emotions


My soul hurts.

I don't know how else to describe it.

For two weeks now I have been anxious, emotional, worry-prone, tired, weepy and unhappy. It came on so suddenly and so noticeably that I've been wondering if I'm having some sort of weird reaction to the new brand of birth-control pills I've been taking, or if (I would die) they didn't do their job this month and I'm ... I won't even say the word. Whatever the reason, it's been painfully clear to me and those around me that I'm not quite myself.

I have a lot of stresses in my life right now that would give credit to a little anxiety. Most of them have to do with money, thanks to our 15-year-old air conditioner that decided it has cooled it's last summer...and our basement that loves the rain so much that it's decided to let it come on inside the house. Other stresses have to do with Brian's heavy work schedule right now and fighting children and busy nights and not enough sleep. Yet, even considering all these things, my emotional state is still much worse than it should be.

What's wrong with me?
I've been praying for the past 2 nights. Why am I reacting like this? Please help me understand.

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I walked into church today with three kids bumping along my skirts and two of them complaining about how fast I was walking. I paused at the table sitting outside the chapel to grab a bulletin and an extra flier I saw sitting there before I hurried the kids into the pew and got them quietly coloring just in time for the meeting to start. I glanced at the bulletin, noted the speakers and then glanced at the extra flier:

Primary Talent Show!
Friday, June 11.

A rush of adrenalin surged through me so forcefully I felt it sting in my toes, and my face winced in response. Adrenalin - the hormone released when a person senses danger; the 'fight or flight' hormone. My body had reacted physically to an emotional desire to run. To run as fast and as far as I could from that date staring up at me from the page. It comes every year, and I still haven't figured out how to best handle it.

Five years ago that date became meaningful to me when I delivered my second baby, a boy, premature and stillborn. A good friend once said that she believes that our spirits can start mourning the anniversary of a loved one's passing before we consciously realize it. As if our spirit, unconstrained by the stresses and worries of temporal circumstances, remembers how much it misses the other. Given my past experience with this date and the weeks leading up to it, I believe it, too.

It explains my raw emotions over the last two weeks. And, since whenever I sense things are out of my control I turn with vengeance on the things I can control, it explains all those rash impulses I've followed the past few days. I can't control how much I miss my baby; so I control how clean the front of my cupboards are by scrubbing them. I can't control time and make it so June 11th will never come; so I control the bushes I hate in front of my house by ripping them all down. I can't control how much pain I feel; so I control my childrens' wardrobe by getting new pajamas so they won't be sleeping in mismatched, too small uglies anymore. But see, here's the frustration in it all - - - no matter how clean my house is, or how far away from me those ugly bushes are, or how cute my kids are when they go to sleep, the pain will still come.
And it will come forcefully.

I spent the rest of church fighting back tears, and once church was over, I herded my children into the car as fast as I could without saying more than 'hi' to a soul. I knew it wouldn't take much to summon the tears. And, before I could back out of my parking space, the tears had already started to fall.

I don't know how to embrace this.
I don't know how to ignore this.
I don't know how to prepare for this.
I don't know how to heal from this.

I only know how to feel it,
and cry about it,
and remember it.

How do I be a good mom to my other kids through it? How can I stop them from seeing my tears? And the most pressing question that always comes, how am I going to do this every year for the rest of my life?

I promise there are good things that have come from this, and I apologize that you're only getting one side of it now - - - I guess I'm hurting today, and sometimes I think it's important to let your heart feel just one thing at a time.

20 comments:

  1. Sorry, Lindsay! I've been through much of what you have and it does get easier with time...but, a lot of time! You'll always think of your little guy...and wonder, what if? But, I believe there is a plan...and Heavenly Father always has a better plan than I do...but, I don't always like it much! (at the time) Our babies will be with us eventually, that I do believe. And, during this time, give yourself a break...your family will be okay, and you will come out and be yourself again. Take care!

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  2. I am so sorry Lindsay. I didn't know about this. Know that I am thinking about you and praying for you to have some comfort and peace during this time. Sending lots of love your way!

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  3. Oh Lindsay, I hate it that it just sneaks up on you!

    And I don't think you need to hide it from your other kids--I think it's ok for them to know that sometimes your heart really misses Jess, and that you can't wait for them to meet him one day so that they can love him too.

    I will be curious to know if the intensity of what you're experiencing changes somewhat now that it's "got your attention."

    Hang in there!

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  4. I'm so sorry Lindsay, I have had times when I thought I wanted to share my "raw" moments with others, and then getting frustrated with what their responses have been. I hope mine isn't frustrating, but that you know I feel for you, ache for your pain, and rejoice in eternal perspective, even though it doesn't always take the pain away. Sorrow doesn't really make sense to me, our responses happen the way they happen, I hope that the end of June comes quickly, and with it a new year of healing. . .

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  5. Love ya, Linds. I won't pretend that I have any idea what you feel, but I can say that I'm here for you. Please give me a call if you ever need to talk. Love ya.

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  6. Oh Linds. It's times like this that I HATE how far away you are. I cry for you. I hurt with you. I agree with Cindy that it's okay for your children to see you missing Jess. I think they need to know how much ALL the members of your family mean to you. Maybe you just need to pull it out, feel the pain, and remember. Just know that I love you and I'm praying for you and that I'm thinking of you. May the Lord bless you with peace my friend.

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  7. I love you Lindsay. I'm sorry for your pain and wish so much that I could take it away. The Lord has blessed you with peace many times before as you have struggled with this and other difficulties in your life, and He will again. I pray that it will come quickly.

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  8. Linds- I don't even know what to say, other than I love you and I'm so sorry you've had/still have to pay such a high price for the wonderful, sensitive, strong spirit that makes you such an incredible friend.

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  9. Hey Linds, I have missed you alot lately! You have been on my mind a lot and this must be why! I am very sorry for your pain. Pain is a very different thing. It's sometimes so hard to get through. There are days where I don't think I will. I am very sorry for everything you are going through. You and your sweet family will be in my prays! We have been going through SO much in this house as well. A lot of pain too. Different reasons, but still pain. I am very sorry. Please know that I want nothing more then for you to feel better! One day at a time!!! It's my new motto. If you ever need to talk please know I would be more then willing to listen! I love you, and I am so sorry with how you have been feeling! Hang in there!!! Just one day at a time!!!

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  10. Linds,

    You won't believe this, I was flipping through MSN's news blotter of the top 100 stories of the day and a story entitled, "Uncontrolled Emotions" caught my attention. I started reading the story on the summary page and thought that person who wrote it might be a Mormon, so I clicked the link to open the page connected to it. The first thing I noticed was the picture of Brian in the corner, I though, "I know him?!" Then I saw your picture and realized it was YOUR BLOG!!! Imagine my surprise! The entry was very moving, obviously someone at MSN read it and liked it and put it on the top 100 stories of the day. I thought you would be interested to know that you have made international news.
    I am sorry you are having a hard time, I don't know how I would handle that. You are in my prayers, hang in there.
    Oh, our new blog is mattys-family.blogspot.com

    Miss you,

    Gunda

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  11. Linds,

    I love you! I pray for your peace! Your kids will be okay, I think it is good for them to see how much you love Jess and if not now in the future it will help them start to understand how much you love them, something I didn't realize about my mom until I had a child of my own. I hope your peace comes soon, you are in my prayers.

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  12. Hi Lindsay,
    Yuck. Why does life have to hurt so much sometimes? It feels bigger than you, overwhelms your mind, infects your family, then leaves you completely drained and exhausted and I always think "what purpose is this serving? Its out of control. I'm out of control!" And then a combination of fear and deep anger make me want to lash out at the pain, but of course I can't its unpenetrable, so the anger and fear go everywhere else and then I have guilt that I have further tramatized my family with not only the pain that caused all this, then fear, and anger, and now my guilt, will the effects ever end? Yes. They will end. The most healing and peace will come from sharing it with your family without the anger and fear of course. Let them in. Easier said than done of course you know. I love you Lindsay, and what an exceptional person you are to share this, that takes courage...all of this takes courage and you've got it. Hang in there.
    Rachel

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  13. I'm not going to say I know how you feel, but I can relate. It's so hard when there are reminders like that. There's this woman in the ward who had the same due date as me - except I miscarried. Even a year and half since the miscarriage, I see that baby at church, pudgy and cute, and wonder what my baby would have been like. Next month, my baby would have been one. It's so hard. I don't know what to say other than I hear you. And sometimes, it's just nice to not feel alone. I'll keep you in my prayers, Lindsay.

    PS. - I found a site that helped me a while back. I don't know if you're interested, but here's the link: http://www.agoodgrief.com/blog.php

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  14. Beautifully written. I'm so sorry for your grief and pain. I love you!
    Becky

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  15. (Ok, now I'm morbidly curious to know if your stats just went through the roof???)

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  16. Anonymous8:31 AM

    I don't know exactly how you feel but I can only imagine. When I found out I was pregnant when Erika was only 8 months, I freaked out a little and then became excited. A month later I miscarried and felt a little sad, only to find out I was hurting really bad. Parker was due the same time of my miscarriage.

    My thoughts are with you

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  17. I love you. I wish there was something else I could say, but I'm not as good with words as I once was. But know that I love you.

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  18. Hey Linds,
    It's times like this that I really hate being so far away and that I'm a slacker and don't know about this until after the fact. I love you LInds and I'm so sorry for your pain! I think I can remember my mom's sorrow each year, over loosing my sister Carrie, when I was growing up. There are some years I even remember my Dad's sorrow and I can say that seeing them go through that truly strengthened my testimony of family while I was young. I know it was hard for my mom to explain year after year to us why she was so sad, but I actually treasure those strong moments of pure testimony from my mom and Dad. I wish I could give you a big hug right now, but know I'm praying for you and Brian. Love you girl!

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  19. I'm moved by your writing. Thanks for sharing your beautiful writing and amazingly tender images. I look forward to seeing more

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  20. Hi Lindsay,

    I'm not sure that you will remember me. I grew up in your ward (I'm Keara Cowley's little sister Ashley).

    Our youngest sister, Megan, told me about your blog a few years ago when you were writing about your son, Jess. I came back to your blog tonight...and I'm so glad I did. I lost my baby girl 3 weeks ago tomorrow. She only lived for a day.

    I just want you to know I'm grateful you wrote your story. It's comforting to see some of the feelings I share with you written down. If you felt inspired to publish them, please know that they have comforted me. And I weep for your loss tonight as I weep for my own.

    Thank you.
    Ashley

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