My soul hurts.
I don't know how else to describe it.
For two weeks now I have been anxious, emotional, worry-prone, tired, weepy and unhappy. It came on so suddenly and so noticeably that I've been wondering if I'm having some sort of weird reaction to the new brand of birth-control pills I've been taking, or if (I would die) they didn't do their job this month and I'm ... I won't even say the word. Whatever the reason, it's been painfully clear to me and those around me that I'm not quite myself.
I have a lot of stresses in my life right now that would give credit to a little anxiety. Most of them have to do with money, thanks to our 15-year-old air conditioner that decided it has cooled it's last summer...and our basement that loves the rain so much that it's decided to let it come on inside the house. Other stresses have to do with Brian's heavy work schedule right now and fighting children and busy nights and not enough sleep. Yet, even considering all these things, my emotional state is still much worse than it should be.
What's wrong with me? I've been praying for the past 2 nights. Why am I reacting like this? Please help me understand.
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I walked into church today with three kids bumping along my skirts and two of them complaining about how fast I was walking. I paused at the table sitting outside the chapel to grab a bulletin and an extra flier I saw sitting there before I hurried the kids into the pew and got them quietly coloring just in time for the meeting to start. I glanced at the bulletin, noted the speakers and then glanced at the extra flier:
Primary Talent Show!
Friday, June 11.
Friday, June 11.
A rush of adrenalin surged through me so forcefully I felt it sting in my toes, and my face winced in response. Adrenalin - the hormone released when a person senses danger; the 'fight or flight' hormone. My body had reacted physically to an emotional desire to run. To run as fast and as far as I could from that date staring up at me from the page. It comes every year, and I still haven't figured out how to best handle it.
Five years ago that date became meaningful to me when I delivered my second baby, a boy, premature and stillborn. A good friend once said that she believes that our spirits can start mourning the anniversary of a loved one's passing before we consciously realize it. As if our spirit, unconstrained by the stresses and worries of temporal circumstances, remembers how much it misses the other. Given my past experience with this date and the weeks leading up to it, I believe it, too.
It explains my raw emotions over the last two weeks. And, since whenever I sense things are out of my control I turn with vengeance on the things I can control, it explains all those rash impulses I've followed the past few days. I can't control how much I miss my baby; so I control how clean the front of my cupboards are by scrubbing them. I can't control time and make it so June 11th will never come; so I control the bushes I hate in front of my house by ripping them all down. I can't control how much pain I feel; so I control my childrens' wardrobe by getting new pajamas so they won't be sleeping in mismatched, too small uglies anymore. But see, here's the frustration in it all - - - no matter how clean my house is, or how far away from me those ugly bushes are, or how cute my kids are when they go to sleep, the pain will still come.
And it will come forcefully.
I spent the rest of church fighting back tears, and once church was over, I herded my children into the car as fast as I could without saying more than 'hi' to a soul. I knew it wouldn't take much to summon the tears. And, before I could back out of my parking space, the tears had already started to fall.
I don't know how to embrace this.
I don't know how to ignore this.
I don't know how to prepare for this.
I don't know how to heal from this.
I only know how to feel it,
and cry about it,
and remember it.
How do I be a good mom to my other kids through it? How can I stop them from seeing my tears? And the most pressing question that always comes, how am I going to do this every year for the rest of my life?
I promise there are good things that have come from this, and I apologize that you're only getting one side of it now - - - I guess I'm hurting today, and sometimes I think it's important to let your heart feel just one thing at a time.
Five years ago that date became meaningful to me when I delivered my second baby, a boy, premature and stillborn. A good friend once said that she believes that our spirits can start mourning the anniversary of a loved one's passing before we consciously realize it. As if our spirit, unconstrained by the stresses and worries of temporal circumstances, remembers how much it misses the other. Given my past experience with this date and the weeks leading up to it, I believe it, too.
It explains my raw emotions over the last two weeks. And, since whenever I sense things are out of my control I turn with vengeance on the things I can control, it explains all those rash impulses I've followed the past few days. I can't control how much I miss my baby; so I control how clean the front of my cupboards are by scrubbing them. I can't control time and make it so June 11th will never come; so I control the bushes I hate in front of my house by ripping them all down. I can't control how much pain I feel; so I control my childrens' wardrobe by getting new pajamas so they won't be sleeping in mismatched, too small uglies anymore. But see, here's the frustration in it all - - - no matter how clean my house is, or how far away from me those ugly bushes are, or how cute my kids are when they go to sleep, the pain will still come.
And it will come forcefully.
I spent the rest of church fighting back tears, and once church was over, I herded my children into the car as fast as I could without saying more than 'hi' to a soul. I knew it wouldn't take much to summon the tears. And, before I could back out of my parking space, the tears had already started to fall.
I don't know how to embrace this.
I don't know how to ignore this.
I don't know how to prepare for this.
I don't know how to heal from this.
I only know how to feel it,
and cry about it,
and remember it.
How do I be a good mom to my other kids through it? How can I stop them from seeing my tears? And the most pressing question that always comes, how am I going to do this every year for the rest of my life?
I promise there are good things that have come from this, and I apologize that you're only getting one side of it now - - - I guess I'm hurting today, and sometimes I think it's important to let your heart feel just one thing at a time.
