A Day to go Down in History

I find it fascinating how easily a mother's life revolves around her children. Sometimes I go through phases where I try to reconnect with my pre-mothering self, or try to reground my personality in just myself and God - but I realize, time and time again, that a little piece of my heart is in each child...and their beautiful personalities are woven through and through my own so much that it's impossible to separate one from another. I believe that my emotions will always revolve around their lives and their happiness - and how wonderful that, in this breath of time, my whole life is physically revolving around them, too.

Maybe that's why I was so thrilled when I felt my baby move for the first time tonight. I just love thinking about her cute little hands, and her cute little feet, and the masses and masses of hair she will have when she's born, and those long, dark eyelashes, and that beautiful, beautiful face....... No, we don't know if it's a boy or a girl, but McKenzie and I are rooting for a girl and since I write this blog, I get to impose my wishes on it. :) And, if the baby is anything like McKenzie, she won't have any real hair until well past her first birthday...but again, my blog. It's been so fun to cheer for a girl with McKenzie - she's kind of in this 'girl power' phase, and I guess I'm feeding into it a little bit. (I just hope she won't be too disappointed if the results come back in favor of a boy.)

What a great ray of light for me tonight, feeling that little nudge. I put on my favorite pair of pants this morning and sighed when I realized that, no matter how hard I pulled, tucked, squeezed or yanked, that blasted button was not going to make it. So, I got out the elastic band to hold it together and felt a little twinge of defeat as I succumbed to my fate for the next few months. I lathered concealer all over my face and, still, those little red blotches shined right through like they were the star of the party (sadly, even in Beautimus...I've made a point to not look in Wretchimus for the next long while). I try not to let my physical appearance dictate my mood for the day...but sometimes it does - so it was great to feel a little nudge of encouragement from my little one, to help me remember exactly why I'm doing this. :)

Happy New Year!

Well, after much deliberation, I've decided not to go backwards and catch-up on the myriads of missed blogging opportunities I've had over the past couple of months. I know, I know, some wonderful things have happened - Thanksgiving and Christmas to mention the two biggest - but I suppose I never really have loved to blog about things that didn't make me think, or laugh ... and, if we're being honest with each other here, I haven't thought or laughed much recently - it's all just been kind of a blur. :)

For Christmas, I'll just say, that it was wonderful. There were so many unexpected pleasures of having our very own Christmas. Of course we missed our families, but there was a quiet sweetness to watching our kids open their presents on Christmas morning and sharing the 'secret behind the magic' with no one but my husband. And, it was pretty funny acting out the nativity scene on Christmas Eve with no one else to be the donkey but Brian. :)
So, with that much of a catch-up, we'll push forward and enjoy the brand-new year!

Do you think it's bad that I probably won't make it much past 10:30 tonight? I love, love, love holidays - I love any excuse to turn an ordinary day into something extraordinary. So, when I woke up this morning and felt a little overwhelmed at the thought of making today a holiday (complete with games and ringing in the new year with my kids at around 8:00pm), I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. This resulted in a small epiphany: Just because it's New Years Eve doesn't mean I HAVE to celebrate it! My husband is not home, my kids do not care...and likely would not even remember it even if I do put a lot of thought and energy into it...so, really, it would all be for me. And, if it's stressing me out, then WHY do it?! Such a liberating thought!

So, instead of spicing up the day with a lot of extra activities and fun food, I started it out by finishing up my laundry. It felt WONDERFUL to put clean, folded clothes into drawers and know that I had no more laundry to take care of for at least 4 or 5 days! That hasn't happened for a while. :) Then, I took the kids to the museum, ran a bunch of errands all over town, organized my thoughts and goals, tidyed up for a quick sweep with the vacuum, vomitted, realized that I was pushing it a little too far to try to vacuum after my 'busy' morning, took my kids to Chick-Fil-A for an AWESOME New Years Eve dinner, put the kids to bed, soaked in a nice hot tub (and wrapped up in one of our nice, extra soft and fluffy 'special occasion' towels), and am now relaxing with my computer on my lap and Shrek 2 playing in the background. Pretty sweet New Years Eve, right!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Missing me yet?

Whew! Well, I'm sure you've all been extremely sad and crushed as I've been so infrequent in my postings recently. I know you're going through withdrawals, because I know how much your happiness hinges on reading about my thoughts. Or, wait...maybe you don't really care. Either way, I do have a rather exciting excuse. Let me share with you a little bit about what my life has been like over the last couple of months:

*This porcelain fixture has gotten to know my face a little too well.

*I've been carrying a stash of these around in my purse, as well as in both bathrooms.

*I am generally NOT much of a nap-taker. If I lay in bed in the middle of the day, my mind starts screaming about all of the other things I should be doing with that precious, quiet time. However, for the past couple of months this beautiful piece of furniture no longer screams "TIME WASTER", but invitingly sings lullabies all day long until I finally succumb to it's gentle promptings and fall into a deep, dreamful sleep in the middle of the day. In fact, all of my free time is spent in it's warm embrace. (Which does not bode well for blogging.)

*I wake up from my dreams feeling like my life has changed in some drastic, yet nonsensical way.

*I can't eat sugar. Such a horrible side effect to have at this time of year. Logically, I know that the beautiful pies, and delicious chocolates, and plates and plates of goodies taste absolutely divine! Yet, my stomach seems to churn at the very though of ingesting...even smelling...the goods. Horrible, horrible.

*My work-out routine went from running 3-4 miles a day, to running for 2 minutes and walking for another 20, to nothing at all. Even walking down the hall gets me all out of breath, nauseous and light-headed.

*It takes me at least 30 minutes to shower. (Wash my hair, sit and rest for a minute, condition my hair, sit and rest for a minute, etc...)

*One of our barstools has a permanent place in my bathroom. This way, I can sit while doing my hair and makeup. (all 5 minutes of it)

*My house looks like a tornado went through it - and I don't even care! This is wonderful to me...the fact that I don't care about it. Generally, my personality would be stressed beyond belief if my house was in the state it's in right now...but, I consider myself accomplished if I can get out of bed and get McKenzie to school with her hair done. Cleaning is not on my list of to-dos at the moment.

*My garbage bin went for FOUR weeks without being taken out on garbage day! Thankfully, we don't really produce that much garbage, so it all fit in the trash bin nicely without stinking up my house...but the recycling bin was overflowing and spilling into the road on that fourth week!

*I had to actually alter my budget to fit in my disgustingly delicious cravings. I don't want sweets, but give me a burger or some fried chicken and I'm in heaven! Thankfully gas prices have dropped so much that I actually have a little extra money to play with!

*I spend a little more time looking at the world through a teary mist - provoked by all sorts of silly things: commercials, cute kid phrases, disobedience from my kids, a husband running late, fighting kids, a nice phone call, memories, Christmas, large messes that I have to clean, etc...etc...etc...

*One of my latest trips to Costco yielded only these two items. You have to understand that I very rarely go to Costco for just a few things - in fact, I think I could probably count the number of times I've spent fewer than $80 on one hand!

*Whenever I feel a sneeze coming on, I have to brace myself lest the tendons in my stomach feel like they're being ripped from one end to the other. I guess on the fourth pregnancy, my body doesn't have much 'tightness' left to it. *sigh*

So, while I haven't been blogging much lately, rest assured that I haven't forgotten you. There have just been...other things...that have been taking my time. :) But, I've made it though my first trimester now, and I'm starting to feel MUCH better - so, hopefully, we'll be back to our regular routine in no time!

WARNING: Side effects may include BBS

Do you ever look at something about yourself and think, "Hmmm...I wonder if that's normal..." Unfortunately, that happens quite frequently with me. When Brian and I were dating, he made fun of many of my 'anatomical wonders' (as he called them). The funny bones sticking out of my feet and wrists, my crooked middle finger, my ever-dilated pupils, my pinky that won't straighten, my curled toes. The funny, tickly feeling I get in the back of my throat when I get licked by a cat, or eat a lot of cheese, or get my bangs cut (and I'm STILL trying to figure out what those three things have in common). The fact that the common 'achy flu feeling' is concentrated in my buttock when I'm sick, or how I feel an uncomfortable 'prick' in my salavary glands under the back of my tongue when I'm about to vomit.

There are some other less bloggable anomolies which I will keep to myself - but I have recently found a new one...or, rather, my doctor has recently found a new one: I have a lazy butt. A lazy butt, I tell you! Allow me to explain:

Ever since I was about sixteen-years old, I've had a slight discomfort in my lower back that comes and goes, and has shown itself to be uncomfortably aggravated by pregnancies - actually rendering me immobile for times with each child. I figured it was just something I'd have to fight through with each pregnancy, so I was quite scared and frustrated when the pain started coming back in July, and got increasingly worse so that by October I tweaked it a little and - BAM - it put me flat on my back for two days. And WITHOUT the help of pregnancy. Poor Brian had to take those days off of work because I seriously could not move - he had to help me do everything (going to the bathroom included), and I realized that I had to do something about this.

So - to the chiropractor I went! He did a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, muttering "hmmm...." and "okay...." and "so....." to himself the whole time, and saying, "lay like this..." and "bend like that..." and "point your toes up here..." to me. At one point, he had me laying face down and had me lift my leg straight up a couple of inches off the table. "AHHHH!!!" he exclaimed. "That's it!"

"Did you find something" I muttered intelligently into the cushion I was face-planted into.
"Yes," he replied. "I want you to keep your leg lifted, and poke your hamstring with your finger." I did so - it was flexed and hard. "Now, take your finger and feel your lower back." I did so - it was flexed and hard. "That is not supposed to be so hard," he explained. "Now, poke your butt." I did so - oh my.

Do I even want to admit how perfectly it jiggled - just like a bowl of freshly scooped jello?

"THAT," he said, "is supposed to be hard."
"Oh...oh, dear," was the only worthwile thing I could think of to say as I felt my face begin to flush with a little embarrassment. After all, I'm not quite used to talking about my butt with some man I hardly know! :) He had me sit up and went on to explain that my pelvis is tilted at an odd angle, making it less convienient for my body to use my butt muscles and that, over the years, my body has compensated by using the muscles in my lower back for all those motions that a butt muscle would generally perform. This, of course, has put extra strain on my lower back that it coudln't handle.

Solution: Butt exercises! While the chiropractor has been working to straighten my pelivis out a little more, I have been in charge of building butt muscle. But, you see, there's a problem with that. I'm developing BBS (big butt syndrome). Oh, the muscle is coming, and the pain is decreasing drastically, but...*whisper* the jello is not leaving. No, The muscle is simply pushing the jello farther and farther away from the center of my body - and - well - I now have BBS.

I've decided that I have to be okay with this, however. After all, it does give me something else to add to my 'anatomical wonders' list. :) And, oh yeah, I can walk again.

Nostalgia

It's foggy outside. If I squint just right at the streetlamp's cone of light, and don't look too closely at the ground, and imagine a quiet stillness, it almost feels like it's snowing. I stood for a long time in the dark tonight, squinting out my window at the fog, letting the Christmas tree lights dance in my peripheral vision, arms folded and toes curled up into my slippers for a little extra protection from the dropped temperatures. And, after a little while of quiet contemplation, unexpected tears started to fall from my squinted eyes. I guess I kind of wished I wasn't standing alone in my living room, pretending to see snow. I opened my eyes and backed up into the couch to cry for a while, and look at my little Christmas tree. We put it up last night, and I was kind of excited that I would be able to spend the whole Christmas season in my own house, looking at my own tree, and focusing on my own little family.

I guess I feel differently tonight.

Tonight, I miss my families...the one I grew up in, the one I married into and, of course, my overworked, exhausted husband...and I'm having trouble swallowing the fact that I won't see them this holiday season (or, at least not much of them, in the case of my husband). I'm sure I'll create more memories of this '1st Christmas at home' but , is it wrong to cry a little for what won't be?

Ah, here I am, miss gloomy-doomy - and after such a long time of silence in my posting! Sorry. I guess I'm just 'ebbing' a little again. I haven't really done that for a while, so I suppose it's about time. Well, I'm sure the tide is on it's way in - and, this time, I think I'll take President Uchdorf's advice and try to lift up someone else, as opposed to sitting around and waiting for the tide to come in itself. I have a feeling that he may know a little secret on how to help me bring in the tide myself. :)

Anyone Wanna Help Me Rake?

Yes...my whole front yard and driveway look about like this - give or take a few spots.

We have been LOVING this fall season with all of our trees! How fun to live in a place where the annual 'leaf-fall' is much greater than the annual 'snow-fall'! I have to smile to myself when it snows here...the whole city shuts down (for valid reasons), yet individual blades of grass still rise above the skiff. Not so with the leaves! Almost every blade of grass is concealed underneath the vibrant layers of tree-debris. It's been so fun for me to stare out my big front window, mouth open in disbelief, and watch the leaves fall so steadily from our trees. As steady as a light snowfall, yet so much more colorful! So far this season we have logged hours of raking, and disposed of numerous piles of leaves...and yet - less than a week after the latest raking session - this is what (only about 1/8th of) my yard looks like:
Perhaps more disheartening than all the leaves on the ground, is all the leaves still left on the trees! I look up, and can barely tell that they've started to shed:

And so, I've thrown my arms up in the air and decided to let them all fall before I rake again. It's just not worth spending 5 hours outside to only enjoy a few hours of 'cleanliness'. So, if you come by, don't be scared off by the concealed driveway, or the seemingly non-existent path up to my front door...just enjoy the fall season as much as I do as I drive on the crunchy leaves, and kick them back up into the air on my way inside the house. Fall only lasts for so long. :)

10 pictures and a few (more) words

So, I've been trying to think of a creative way to share our October month without boring you with another 'Halloween post' to read. But, I seem to have no creativity streak at the moment - so I cut, slimmed, trimmed, and filtered all of my pictures and experiences into just 7 pictures and a few words. (You should all be impressed!)


PUMPKIN CARVING

Love it, love it, love it! We got away with only severing one or two layers of human skin, which happened to be on McKenzie's hand. It totally could have been worse, like, with blood and everything...where was her mother?

WARD TRUNK-OR-TREAT
McKenzie, the Ballerina

Carson, the Spider


Brian and Lindsay, the pair of eyes. Kind of funny story actually: I'd had this unfinished idea in my head for about a month before Halloween, thinking Brian might actually enjoy staying true to his ophthalmologic profession, but as I finished making the 'eyelashes' Brian said, "Uh, Linds, doesn't this kind of look like a girl's eyelash? I don't think I want to be a girl's eye." So, you'll note that while my eyelashes are nice and curled, Brian's eyelashes are more unkempt and ... uh ... manly, I guess. :)


Brian was a good sport about getting some pictures in the privacy of our own home...but the eyelashes didn't stay on his head too long after we'd made it to the church *sigh*. So, I was kind of the 'lone eye'.


HALLOWEEN DAY
Breakfast: Witches brew...aka, cereal with green food coloring...


Lunch: Grilled Cheese Spiders - I was actually quite surprised with the way these turned out - cute! Since my kids don't like the crusts of their bread, we cut them all off, buttered them, sprinkled cinnamon and sugar on them, broiled them for a few minutes, and they magically turned into tasty spider legs! And, since we LOVE pomegranates in our house, we had plenty of seeds to make the eyes (of which, McKenzie taught me last week, spiders have eight! As if they weren't gross enough already!).


Dinner: Fruity pancakes - okay, nothing specially 'halloween-ish' here - but they were good. :)


And, I just had to throw this 'after' picture in the mix. Notice her totally raggety hair, the holes in her tights, and the mascara smeared under her eyes. This was not due, as one might suspect, to the fact that she had an immesurable amout of fun skipping and running from house to house in the neighborhood (which she did). No...she actually started trick-or-treating looking much the same way. Why? Well...

At around 5:30pm, we had actually decided not to go Trick-or-Treating that night (much to both my and McKenzie's disappointment). Brian was working at the hospital all night, and Carson was so sick he was having a hard time breathing, speaking, walking, crying, etc. I just thought it would be a bad idea to take him out into the cold air and to stay up way past his bedtime. So, it was decided that we would put Carson to bed early, and have a McKenzie-Mommy-Movie-Munchies party instead. She was actually pretty excited about our transformed night. We finished dinner, got into our pajamas, and I sat down to give Carson a nebulizer treatment to help his little lungs. McKenzie was put on 'candy-duty' and answered the door each time trick-or-treaters came by...and little by little, each time she dropped candy into another little kid's bag and shut the door behind them, I watched the excitement for our McKenzie-Mommy-Movie-Munchies night turn into longing for the Trick-or-Treating night we would not have. She tried so hard to laugh when she closed the door behind the 2nd group of trick-or-treaters...but it was quite forced, and when she turned around, her smile was half gone already.
"McKenzie? Do you really want to go trick-or-treating tonight?" I asked
"Yeah," she responded sadly. Then she gave me a little half-smile that said, "But I understand, Mommy."
I barely choked back the tears at her sweet show of sacrifice for her little brother, and I said, "Go get your costume on. We'll go right after I'm done with the nebulizer."
OH THE EXCITEMENT! She got herself dressed all by herself (choosing the holey tights), and her hair and makeup had been done 11 hours earlier for her preschool parade (explaining the rest of the look). And as we walked out the door, I took a glance at the clock on the wall. 7:00. 'Funny...' I thought to myself, 'I wanted to get my kids in bed by now.'

But, we went.

And, I'm so, so, so, so, so glad we did! Because now, that day has turned into yesterday...and I have some great memories of my 4 year old, skipping, dancing, running, jumping, and squealing with delight as a little ballerina in search for some candy on Halloween night!