I can't quite put my finger on it, but sometimes I feel like the tides of the oceans...always changing, yet unmistakably patterned. The beautiful things in my life are added upon layer by layer until, when I feel like my heart is so full of happiness and joy, negativity starts creeping in and eating away at the happiness. I sink slowly, sometimes quickly, into lethargy and easily provoked tears.
I don't remember being like this always. Of course, I've always had good and bad days...but it seems that for the past 3 years or so, the extremes are more extreme as I've been feeling the weight of adulthood more strongly. And, it's kind of making me tired. The decisions I have to make now seem to always be extremely significant not only to me, but my entire family. How I parent will largely affect my children's lives; if, where and for how much I buy a home will largely affect my future emotional and financial security over the next few years; where Brian does his residency years will largely affect our quality of life; when we choose to have another baby will largely change all of our lives forever...
So, I'll admit that I'm 'ebbing' right now. One of my faults is that I can only feel comfortable if I feel in control - and I seem to be going through many circumstances where the control is far from my reach. The sad truth is that life is not always beautiful. Businessmen can be shady; friendships are not always what they seem to be; children go through tough phases; skill does not come without learning. The silver lining, however, is in the fact that the opposite of each of these statements is also true: businessmen can be wonderfully helpful, friendships can (and do) keep me happy and stable; children go through wonderful phases; and sometimes, you can accomplish a skill without learning much about it (these, I believe, are called talents - and let it be known that I do not have one in the area of 'staining wood').
In this stressful thing called adulthood (most specifically motherhood), I have reached new heights of happiness and joy - so I suppose, if indeed there must be opposition in all things, it would make sense that I would reach new depths of sorrow as well. Now, let's not be confused about this here, I am definitely not in a state of sorrow! Just frustration at the fact that everything I seem to put my hand into right now turns sour.
So, I guess I'll just plow through it, and wait for the new tide to come in.
I know how you feel. Over the last three weeks we have been in the hospital like 4 times and traveled over 2500 miles, and life has been really crazy in this house too. So I know who it is to have hard days or even weeks. Just know that you are not alone! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having a tough time right now. You definitely have a talent with words though! I am always so impressed with your use of words in your blogs :) I hope you are soon able to go from this extreme to the other and feel some peace :)
ReplyDeleteWow Linds, I'm always amazed at your ability to express so much in your words. I really seem to let things this personal out in writing. I know how you can feel the frustration of life. That seems to be how things are here lately as well. I love my girls and Richard, but there are times that I get tired of doing so much. There are days that I would like to go to the carefree days of high school for a few hours. I hope things get better. 5 days left before I'll be able to see you!
ReplyDeleteIt seems like life is always like that, ups and downs. Motherhood seems especially emotional because we put so much importance on it. I'm sure you're doing beautifully in everything you put your hand to.
ReplyDelete(PS- Your children are absolutely beautiful!)
I agree with jennie, your writing is quite lovely, and very honest and personal. My personal take is that happiness and melancholy both have their place and their purpose. You are right that it ebbs and flows (especially for women ;) Negative emotions are important, because they alert us to issues or problems in our lives that we may not have noticed consciously.
ReplyDeleteNow for you - this is a time of HUGE transition for you! Believe me, you are not alone if you are feeling a little off. Eric and I have been talking to some of the other 4th years (and their significant others), and believe me ALL of us are going though some major emotional roller-coasters right now. I mean we've got people questioning major life choices right and left!
So yeah, I think we all need to realize that we are facing big changes and a lot of stress, and if we feel a little funky because of it, well - it's only natural.
Lindsay~ I want to help you in anyway I can, so just know I am only a few doors away, don't have a busy schedule and love you guys tons, so don't hesitate to call.
ReplyDeleteWhen you're feeling down, think about the fact that I have to live the rest of my life having everything I cook be compared to "Lindsay's meat"....apparently that's one of your talents...unless you've been going to meat-cooking classes behind my back!
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