Caterpillars, Cocoons and Butterflies

I've been thinking about butterflies lately. They have such a strange journey through life...starting as a caterpillar, spending time wrapped in a cocoon, and finally emerging better and more beautiful in the end.

I feel like I spent my 9 months of pregnancy as an ugly caterpillar: slow, hairy, putzing around on the ground trying not to get eaten alive (by my kids), eating slowly all day long (to try to keep the nausea at bay), and getting bigger and bigger and bigger... I wonder what a caterpillar feels like once he's wrapped up in his cocoon. Does his reality of life change because his entire store of energy is being used to create something that hasn't existed before? In these terms, is developing wings all that different than developing a child?

Oh, and what a beautiful day it must be for him when he breaks out of his cocoon and lets his wings dry in the warm sunlight, staring the world in the eye. Eventually he takes off into the air - experimenting with his wings and experiencing something he never has before.

I can relate to this.

What a journey my sweet little Miles has led me through! After he was born, while my wings were still wet, my kids and I spent a lot of time hanging on to our own little cocoon - reading books, playing trains, making crafts, bouncing on the yoga ball, watching Disney movies, dancing to various CD's... But now, my wings have finally dried and I feel ready to soar through the world again! I feel ready to ease back into my normal routines of library story times, parks, projects, church callings, e-mail, blogging, chores and making dinner. Experiencing life with three beautiful children under my care...something I've never done before.

And, I feel beautiful inside.

It's time...

I woke up last Sunday morning, looked into the mirror and cursed the skin around my eyes - for the millionth time - for being so sensitive to tears. As I started working on the puffy redness, I felt a strange sort of calmness... it was done. The final goodbye's had been said, and Meg's plane had landed safely in their new home clear across the country.

It's been The Summer of Tearful Goodbye's for me. My Grandmother passed away; my entire family, spread through three visits, ended their visits in tears, and three of my dearest, dearest girl friends moved their entire families across the country to Washington, Utah, and San Diego.

There was no way I was going to get my eyes looking normal for church, so I decided to carry the red puffiness with a thankful heart that day...thankful that I had such dear people in my life whose absence could create such sorrow.

You have heard about my grandma, and you will hear about my family visits, but as for my friends... I believe there's a certain kind of bond that is formed among people when they go through life experiences together. A bond of understanding; a bond of love; a bond that somehow surpasses 'friend'ship and almost reaches 'soul'ship. When I first moved to North Carolina, our little family had just started to grow. We were young and vulnerable and still experimenting with who we were as parents and as a family unit. Over the past few years, we have become more grounded; we have made solid foundations and decisions that have started moving our family in a sure direction...and we have done it alongside some of the greatest people in the world. We have shared our ideas, our goals, our advice... Best friends, moving forward together, growing together as small tree trunks, becoming one with time.

It's no wonder that my heart hurts right now. When such a dear friend moves away, the raw edges of the separation are painful. I've learned so many things about friendship and service from these friends - and it's hard to know that I don't have their examples close to me anymore.

But, who is it that said, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." And how blessed I feel that I live in a day when a few thousand miles can't stop communication.

Cami, Brooke and Meg - you all deserve your own posts...yet my blogging efficiency has somehow become quite low... please know how much I love you, and how much I miss you. It's just not quite the same around here anymore...

Kindergarten Kenz

She loves it!

So far, she loves everything about it. The teacher, the friends, the homework, the lunches, the playground, the backpack...and her newest love? the little red smiley faces the teacher draws on her schoolwork.

I love it, too!

Though, I don't quite love everything about it. I sure miss that girl throughout the day (seriously - school goes from 9:00 until 3:30 - - - did someone miss the fact that she's FIVE???). She's left a quiet little space in the home that I can't seem to fill ... and, I'll admit that a few tears have been shed for my own loneliness as I deal with the fact that my best little friend is gone for most the day.

But - I still love it. I love the new independence McKenzie radiates; I love hearing about her gym class, and math class, and friends; I love being home with my two little guys all day; I love watching Carson as he enjoys playing by himself; but the thing that I love the most is ironically the very thing that breaks my heart: watching my precious little girl grow - physically and emotionally. She is so beautiful in so many ways...




Enjoy your kindergarten year, love!

My Kids Ate Cookies for Dinner Tonight...

Yep. My kids ate cookies for dinner tonight. Oh, it wasn't on purpose - no, I actually forgot to feed them dinner. This, seriously, is 100% shocking to me as I've never even come close to forgetting to feed any of my children one of the three major meals. Forgotten a snack? Maybe. But not dinner. Especially not dinner.

It was only 2 months ago that I was talking to my mother on the phone, overwhelmed in the last stretch of pregnancy, when she joked, "Well, there's nothing wrong with serving cold cereal for dinner." I had never thought of such a thing before! And the freedom it gave me! Sure enough, not a week later, I convinced my kids that having cold cereal for dinner was about the coolest thing they could eat.

Yes - dinner is an important part of my life.

So I had to laugh at myself tonight after I'd coined the reason why my stomach was being a little disagreeable. A good friend called and, after laughing along, said "You know, I always say that sometimes, instead of eating something that's good for your body, you need to eat something that's good for your soul."

So, today we fed our souls sugar cookies with green frosting ... and ... well, it was good.

Leaving you in the dark...

Sorry all - I do realize I have abandoned you all to wonder about my sick little guy for far too long (it's okay to admit that you've thought of little else for over a week now...) He's doing great! Totally back to normal and he seems to have forgiven all involved - even after being jabbed EIGHT times before they were finally able to draw blood, and stabbed FIVE times in his back before they were finally able to get spinal fluid...in the charts it went down as a 'traumatic tap'. I should say it was traumatic! For him, of course...but also for his mother! The meningitis ended up being only a virus, and he got through it in a couple of days.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of the concerned comments, e-mails, phone calls, prayers, visits, the perfectly melted milkshake, and the fantastic homemade bread - I have the best friends and family in the world. Thanks for your support.

Now, a question for mothers of three or more children: HOW IN THE DEVIL DO YOU FIND TIME TO BLOG?!?!? We are absolutely exhausted - this sweet little baby is killing us softly as we're going on over a week of 3-4 hours of sleep a night. See, it's the combination of him with the other kids that makes it so difficult. Miles likes to have some 'awake time' up until about 12 or 1 in the morning, then wakes up twice for food in the night, and then the other kids wake up at around 6:30 or 7:00. Problem: I have to be awake for ALL of it! No chance for naps during the day, either - when my other kids are down, Miles is awake. When Miles is awake, the other kids need to be attended to. Please, tell me this gets better! I am actually sitting here, bouncing Miles on the yoga ball and typing with one hand. My eyes are stinging from lack of sleep, and I have beautiful, dark circles under my eyes. So many things to blog about - and I can't find the time to do it!

Ah, well. At least we seem to have a lot of love in this house (usually). I often find myself smiling for no real reason, and I'm sure things will calm down relatively soon. For now, I'll just keep treading water. :)

Fearing Fevers

Do these pictures break anyone else's heart? My poor little Miles was admitted into the hospital yesterday with a fever. Tonight is our second night here, and we're hopeful they'll let us go tomorrow afternoon. They've found the source of his fever - enterovirus meningitis. Yes, meningitis is a scary word (inflammation of the protective membranes covering the brain and spinal cord)...thankfully it's viral instead of bacterial. He'll hopefully be back to normal with a few days rest, but he sure gave us a scare yesterday. I'll fill you in on the details later, but now I need some sleep.

I will, however submit a humble, unashamed request for prayers... we hope he returns to normal quickly - with no setbacks along the way...

Our sweet little boy

A Beautiful Week

Here are a few of my favorite pictures of Miles in the first week of his life. Exciting news: I think he has curly hair! There are a couple of pictures of it in the slideshow - it's so short and so fine at this point that I can't be sure...but, what do you think?!? It would be kind of fun to have a little Carson with curly hair. :)

(PS Mom and Dad - if you want to see the pictures bigger, you can click on 'View All Images' at the bottom of the slideshow, and then it will take you to a new page where you can click on a 'Full Screen' option on the right hand side of your screen.)