Every Phase Better than the Last

There has been a tag going around my high school friends about what they were like during those school years. It's been fun reading all of my fellow Wasps' perceptions - especially because those who have participated so far were not the people I spent most of my time with. I've been tempted to play along, but I'm just not much of a 'taggette'...I find that I'm much too long-winded to answer simple questions, and I sit much too long in front of the screen thinking much too hard about each answer.

However,

every once in a while I compare my high school self to my present self - and the array of emotions that inescapably follow this type of comparison is overwhelming. In some ways, I am pleased. In some ways, I am saddened. In some ways, I feel lucky. In some ways, I feel chastened. In some ways, I feel embarrassed. In some ways, I feel like rejoicing.

I loved high school. I loved almost every part of it. At the time of graduation, I cried because I thought my life was ending. Where else was I going to find such great friends? such wonderful teachers? such security? Yes, I felt secure in high school - especially my senior year. I had friends whom I loved deeply - and who I felt loved me in return. Was I popular? No - not in the Homecoming Queen, Student Body President type of popular...but I was popular among the people who surrounded me - and I felt that they were all popular, too. We generally didn't care what other people were thinking about us, and that left us free to laugh and play and really enjoy ourselves. Let's not pretend there weren't hard times...practically my whole sophomore year was spent in tears over stupid boys (remember, Sarah?)! But, since we're speaking in general terms here, I was happy.

That happiness carried itself into college - and, in fact, whenever I start to think about my 'past' self, I think of this birthday card that Brian gave to to me while we were dating. Inside, he wrote, "I saw this card and thought immediately of you, with all the smiles & whatnot" and later "I hope you have a great day! (I know you'll say you did, even if you didn't!)" Why do I bring this up? Because, every once in a while, I worry that I've lost some of that carefree happiness.

Enter: my honest hubby! Last night I mentioned this concern to Brian by saying, "I just feel like I'm not really the same person you married."

He looked at me with a shocked expression and immediately replied,

"You're not! And I wouldn't want you to be!"

He helped me see that our life experiences have given us depth and an understanding of life. The memories of our sweet son have encouraged me to become more spiritual, and more focused on trying to better myself so I will be with him again. We have grown-up responsibilities that require physical and emotional demands. Brian helped me see that it's okay to not be joking around and laughing all the time, because we've tried to fill the gaps with depth. I may have lost some of my carefree happiness...but the happiness I feel now is so much deeper and so much more real!

I loved high school. I loved almost every part of it. But I just couldn't do it all over again - because now I'd know what I was missing. :)