Why are you looking at me?

So, there is kind of a reason why my blog has been so quiet lately. You see, pregnancy hormones tend to magnify some aspects of my personality to make me extra pensive, extra sensitive, extra analytical, and extra, extra self-conscious... you get the picture. Most of my thoughts are a bit less than optimistic, and they all seem to be centered around my own little head.

I try to keep my blog as honest and balanced as possible - posting the bad along with the good - the deep feelings countered by the light-hearted joy I find in living every day life. Yet...it seems that the light-heartedness of my life is kind of swallowed up in this ugly self-consciousness as my mind tries to make room for the new hormones soaring through my body. And so, I suppose I've kind of adopted good old Thumper's advice "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all."

Anyway, I promise to try not to overwhelm you with my thoughts over the next three months. :)

...But, I have been thinking...

I read a post by my friend, Cindy Lynn, that addressed this problem of self-consciousness on a physical level. It was fantastically written (like her thoughts always are!), and it totally inspired the rest of this post.

............

When I was in high school, I took an elective physiology course. One day, after the bell, Mr. Feltch said, "Put your thinking caps on! We're going to be talking about some pretty complicated stuff today, and I want you to pay attention."

We went on to learn about how a signal is transmitted from the brain to a muscle to cause it to contract. I was enthralled! That day ignited in me a burning fascination with the human body - and it was the start of my journey to eventually getting my degree in human biology from BYU. There's nothing quite like the respect I feel when I start concentrating on my breathing, or my heartbeat, or my contracting muscles, or the images coming in through my eyes, or the deep scratch on my left hand that I know will heal itself. My body is amazing.

And yet, somehow I forget this during the very time my body is doing it's most remarkable thing: assisting God in creating another breathtaking human body. I start focusing on the extra fat puffing out my face and sides, the extra water swelling my feet and hands, the extra pimples gracing my face and shoulders...

I forget all about the miracle of muscles.

A couple of nights ago I wondered, "How do you think this makes God feel?" Here he has blessed me with this intricate tabernacle - just perfect for my spirit - and I'm focusing on all the wrong things. It's kind of like looking at the magnificent mountains of Hawaii and getting distracted by one fallen tree branch stuck at the base of one of the most beautiful vines you've ever seen...and focusing on that ugly, dead tree branch until you've forgotten all about the mountains. I imagine it's slightly offensive to God. Or, at the very least, frustrating.

Hawaii 2008

Well, yesterday and today I have felt thankful for my body. Imperfections and all. If I can just keep this perspective somehow, maybe I'll learn how to overcome the physical side of my self-consciousness.

(Now - if I could only learn a neat trick to get myself out of my emotional self-consciousness, as well...)