Thursday, January 31, 2008

Scattered Thoughts

I just realized something new about myself: I don't handle 'the unknown' very well. (My family is, at this point, raising their eyebrows in surprise thinking, "You didn't know this before?") I've always known that I don't handle change well...I tend to plant deep roots around every single situation in my life, and I feel the pain when those roots must be cut in order for something to shift. But just recently, I've noticed that I don't even like the anticipation of change...which is what I mean by 'the unknown.' I like things to be clear, organized and I begin to stress when I see 'change' coming up over the horizon, and I get more stressed when I can't bring this change into focus...when I don't know what he will look like, what he will feel like, and most importantly what he will do to my family.

This epiphany came to me while I was driving home from a friends house late last Friday night. McKenzie was asleep in the backseat, and Carson was contently chewing away at his favorite stuffed animal, Jasper. For no good reason, I burst into tears and started thinking about what a horrible day it had been. But when I tried to nail down what was so horrible about it, I couldn't find much at all. My kids had been a little bit fussier than normal, but it was really no big deal. The only real downer of the whole day was that I only saw Brian for a few minutes during his transition from school to the church for a youth activity.

All the sudden, I saw a huge correlation between my horrible days, and the days when I know Brian will be gone until late into the night.
"Why?" I thought to myself.
I think I'm so terrified of next year, when Brian will be gone late into the night many times a week, that I panic when he has to do it now. For some reason, I feel like I have to save my patience and energy for next year. Consequently, I'm very unwilling to use it now - making days like last Friday impossible to be happy through. I don't know what to expect for next year...but the anticipation of the change that it might bring paralyzes me, and I can't function.

I have no solution at this point - - -
I understand that I shouldn't view my patience as something that has a set amount...that once it's gone I will never have more. I should, instead, think of it as something that will grow stronger with practice; and use these patience requiring opportunities now to build a strong foundation so that when I need it in large quantities next year, it will be easier to call upon.

I do fear, however, that this is much easier said than done - - -


  1. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you have to, and I know you will do great!

  2. I know how you feel Lindsay! Sometimes I just want to give up and say this is all a little to hard for me right now. I know you can do it though. Just remember you are not alone when you feel that way! :)

  3. I feel for you. Dan is about to enter his 4th year of vet school and he will be gone from washington for 6 weeks 3 times...not to mention the little two weekers where he will be gone as well...and all the different rotations where he will be here, but not really here...anyway, if you find a solution I would love to hear it because i'm dreading next year.

  4. I hope you'll call me- I'll send Eric off to study and we'll hang out:). Seriously- anytime.

  5. For some reason I really don't like it when Brady's gone on campouts either--not because I'm scared or can't find anything to do with my time, but I just don't like him not being around.

  6. Ah Linds... Now I've always been a bit better at the change thing than you, :) but that doesn't mean that I'm GOOD at it. All the things you put in that blog entry (okay, not the stuff about your husband being gone a lot) are fears that I am currently battling. I graduate in May. Yes that's right. Michelle the eternal student is graduating. How many years did it take her to get a bachelors degree? 7. Should Michelle be thrilled about moving on to the next stage of her life? Yes. Is she? No. Why? Fear. Simple as that. I have no idea what will happen next. My life (although I've had fears like this before) has always had some sort of a structure to it. School was always what was coming next. Always. Now I have no idea. I guess I'll start interviewing for teaching positions in the next couple of months, but really- I'm scared to move away by myself! I want my roommates to go too. :) The next portion of my life scares me to death. Ummm... I have no idea why I am saying all of this. I know it's not beneficial to you in any sort of a way. I guess all I'm trying to say is that I know what you mean. In some sort of way, I understand. Anytime you want to talk, give me a call. I love ya, Linds.