Life, Life, and Life

I know the whole world doesn't believe in life after death.

But, I'm sure glad I do.

This past week has been filled with a myriad of conflicting emotions as I've pondered life - life before birth; life here on Earth; life when we're separated from loved ones; life when we're surrounded by them; life when we're communicating well; life when we're not; life after we've breathed our last breath...

Life. It's a beautiful word when you believe it as I do because - - - it never stops. It changes, oh how it changes, but it continues and seems to become more and more enriched.

My Grandma passed away on Tuesday. She passed away after a long, beautiful life that was filled and overflowing with love and family. With 8 children, 30+ grandchildren, and too many great-grandchildren to count, she was the matriarch of a thriving family - and we will all miss her dearly. I learned Monday that she was dying, and much of that day was spent in tears as I went from feeling sorrow for myself and my Grandpa, to feeling gratitude for my Grandma's 93 years of a healthy life...and for the blessing that, though relatively unexpected, her passing was happening quickly.

Thursday, I woke up to an unwelcome and familiar weight of pain in my heart. Before opening my eyes, I sent a little nontraditional prayer to heaven, "I love you Grandma. If you see Jess, tell him I love him too. It's his birthday." I can't explain why I felt like I could communicate with Grandma just then...or why I felt I couldn't communicate with my stillborn son...but it made me feel better - even though when I opened my eyes I felt the painful prick of tears threatening to overtake my day.

Thursday was filled with confusing, conflicting emotions. Still feeling the pain and gratitude from my Grandma's passing, I added to it the sorrow of losing my son four years ago, and the bitter loneliness of knowing no one close to me in this life could understand it. I felt shame as I realized I've let some of the lessons I learned from Jess go unheeded, and determination to fix them again. I then felt excitement as I heard my developing son's strong heartbeat at my doctor's appointment, and celebrated his impending arrival with some good friends that night.

So many different phases of life, all calling themselves to attention at the same time - one sweet baby on the brink of arrival, one cherished woman just departed, and one little spirit that somehow bridges that gap in my heart by having been on the brink of arrival and departure at the same time... All of my emotions got tangled up inside me and formed themselves into a lump that got stuck deep inside, causing discomfort and irritation throughout the whole day. That night, when all was still and dark inside my house, a magnificent thunderstorm rolled in. I stood at the sliding glass doors with one hand resting on the handle, and one propped up on the doorframe. And as I watched the thunderstorm crash and rage and pour down it's rain, I let the thunderstorm inside my soul do the same. The tears started to fall from my eyes - and then they started to pour. The storm eventually moved on - leaving only quiet stillness behind - and I felt strangely refreshed myself. After a long talk with Brian that night, I felt peaceful...and as I thought about the gospel of Jesus Christ, and the tools it has given me to learn for myself about the mysteries of life, I felt cleansed in my knowledge.

I know the whole world doesn't believe in life after death.

But, I'm sure glad I do.

-------------

And, just because I don't feel like ending on a really pensive, kind of sad note, I'll share with you this sweet little conversation my kids and I had in the car 10 minutes after I had gotten off the phone with my parents and received the news that my Grandma had just passed away (okay, so it's still a little sad... but kids somehow have a way of lightening things up a bit!):

McKenzie had picked up on my somber attitude and asked, "Are you happy or sad, Mom?"
I turned off the radio and said, "Well, I guess I'm kind of sad right now."
"Why?" she asked immediately.
"Because Great-Grandma Clara just died."
My kids' reactions were sweet - as McKenzie reverently said, "Oh" and Carson said, "Oh, dat sad." Carson then asked, "Why she died?"
"Well," I responded, "she was very old."
"Yeah," McKenzie helped explain to Carson in her sweetest, most reverent voice, "her arms were old, and her legs were old, and her toes were old, and her hands were old..."
In the same sweet voice, Carson interjected, "And hew head was ohd."
"No," Kenz said sharply. "Her head wasn't old."
"Oh," Carson said submissively.
I tried to stifle a laugh, but a little of it snuck out and caused McKenzie to ask me why I was laughing. "You're just cute," I responded. "Why wasn't her head old?"
"Mo-om," she said as a teenager would to her 'dumb' mother, "It still had hair on it." (Duh!)

Well, her head had hair, and her brain had sharpness, and her muscles had strength, and her lungs had laughter, and her heart was full of love up until the very end of her life. And, though her heart doesn't beat, she must have taken all that love with her - and has found a way to share it with those of us left behind.

We love you, Grandma.

CREEPEE SLEEPEE

Does this picture (along with the discussion about it below) disturb anyone else but me?


McKenzie: Mom! Look at the picture I just drew!
Me: Wow - cool Kenz. Creepy Sleepy, huh? What does that mean?
McKenzie: Well, that's a baby sleeping in his crib...and these (pointing to the lines grouped in threes at the top of the crib) are the fingers of mean things coming to get the baby.

Please tell me all children go through a phase like this..........

Sheets update

What a funny discussion about sheets! Thanks for all of your comments - - - I was completely floored that it was even possible for BOTH of us to be correct! Even so, I think I still give the trophy to Brian - he was the one who said that the lip was a decorative edge and meant to be seen. Even though I guess I technically put the sheet on the right way, my reasons were completely wrong. :)

Interesting fact that should have been observed 7 years ago: I have two different kinds of sheets. We got two sets of sheets for our bed from our wedding reception, and I have always thought they were exactly the same and have, consequently, mixed them hundreds of times. But, after reading all of your comments, I studied the sheets a little more carefully and found out that ONE set has a decorative edge meant to be seen (the one I pictured), and the OTHER set has a hem that is very obviously meant to be hidden. (Examining the pillowcases helped me come to these conclusions, as well.) How funny! I like the idea of sandwiching the two right sides together and folding the top sheet over the quilt...but, since my comforter is tan and chocolate, I'll have to save that technique for another time in my life when my sheets aren't baby blue. :)

Details: Brian vs. Lindsay

The idea of 'details' is a funny thing in our relationship. I could admittedly be considered OCD when it comes to them, and Brian doesn't really even seem to know what they are.

I've mentioned before how Brian's lack of attention to details can be endearing...in fact, I listed it in my list of 50 things I love about him. Like when I walk into our living room to find our decorative block letters (H O M E) spelling HEMO; or when I look in the cupboards to find the circular tupperware paired up with the square lids; or when he walks into church after getting the kids ready and McKenzie's hair has obviously not been thought of, and Carson has substantially visible evidence of breakfast all over his face and clothing (which are probably too small and unmatched); or when I find the peanut butter in the fridge; or when I send him to the store to buy pineapple tidbits (complete with an audible reminder AND a written word to specify that it is, indeed, TIDBITS that I need) he still returns with crushed pineapple...

And, it's true, it's true...sometimes these things frustrate me at the time of offense but, whenever I think of them as a part of his whole personality, I can't help but smile and love him all the more for it. Besides, this same laid-back-anything-goes trait in his personality is a lifesaver when I'm paralyzed by the thought of cleaning a disastrous house - he just swoops right in and has it tidied up in no time, leaving it in a much more manageable state for my easily overwhelmed mind.

Take the dishes, for example. If I let them get too heaped up in my sink, my thought process beings to sound something like this: "I need to do those dishes...oh, but after I do the dishes, I'll be able to see how badly my sink needs to be scrubbed out (side tangent - NEVER get a white sink - - - it seriously needs to be scrubbed more than my children do!)...but, I can't scrub my sink out until I mop the floors because I don't want the sink to be filled with the dirty mop water just after I've scrubbed it...and I can't mop the floors without cleaning the rooms and sweeping them first - including those bathrooms...but I can't clean the bathrooms without starting a load of laundry - those towels need to be washed..." and all the sudden, the simple chore of 'doing the dishes' has become a huge 2 hour process, which I obviously don't have time for at that moment, so I put it off for later...and it never gets done.

Brian's thought process, on the other hand, goes something like this: "Full sink. I'll put the dishes in the dishwasher." Easy-peasy-lemon-squeasy! I so, so, so wish I could somehow train my mind to think that simply on occasion!!!

Anyway - I'm rambling, and this has been quite a long introduction to what I wanted my post to be about in the first place - so, I'll move on! :)

The following two pictures are pictures of the seam at the top of our flat sheet that goes on our bed. I have laughed to myself for almost 7 years about the fact that when Brian puts clean sheets on the bed, he puts this topsheet upside-down. Totally typical!

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Well, about a year and a half ago, I started noticing that EVERY SINGLE TIME he put the sheets on they were upside-down - - - and I started to become awed at how randomly consistent he was at doing this particular thing incorrectly. I never mentioned it to him because it doesn't bother me at all (and he doesn't put the sheets on that often, anyway), but last month he was helping me put all the laundry away and I happened to notice the upside-down topsheet that night while we were getting into bed. I laughed out loud in amazement and said, "Do you know that every time you put the sheets on the bed you put this one on upside down?!?"
"What!?! No way!" he said.
"Yeah - look!" I said as I pointed to the sheet.
"You're crazy!" he replied. "This is the way it goes!"
"What!?!" I said back, "No it's not! This is upside-down!"

Both of us were stunned that the other could possibly think that his/her way was correct, and it made us laugh. I was actually amazed that Brian had been paying attention to this detail and found it hilarious that he was just simply wrong about it! But as I've thought about it, I've become confused...which way is the right way? I'm not going to tell you which side each of us was on quite yet (because I think I was wrong!) - and ask you. Which way is right-side-up?

Argument for exhibit A: The lip is a decorative edge and is meant to be seen.
Argument for exhibit B: The lip is a hem, and hems are supposed to be hidden.

This could seriously be a momentous occasion in our marriage - - - Brian correcting me on a detail. :)

A Budding Best Friend

Is she cute or what!?! This face (and that hair) sometimes shock me into speechlessness! This was taken on our 'girls night' when the boys went on the Father-Son Campout. We went to Chick-Fil-A for dinner, painted our toenails, chatted on the phone with my sister, Michelle, and watched Bolt with popcorn, pretzels, chips and Starbursts (which was funny because McKenzie kept calling them StarWars) before she finally went to bed at 11:00pm. We were joined with other female friends for some of it and it turned out to be a wonderful night!

Do you know what I realized? It would be completely fine if I never have another daughter; this little girl already fills that entire desire of my heart. It's so fun to see the beginnings of a real friendship forming between us. A friendship that results in the laughter of both parties, and that leaves both individuals secure and surrounded in love.

It's happening...

Does anyone know what these three things have in common?

#1 - My House

#2 - My New (to me) Van

#3 - My Cute Kid Playing Soccer
All of these things prove to my unbelieving mind that ... *gulp* ... I'm growing up. I am a homeowner, a mini-van-mom, and a soccer-mom right now - and within the next two months, I will add being mother of three, and a kindergarten-mom! Oy vey! You know all those commercials that show moms' packing all of her kids' lunches, and shooing them out the door, and washing the grass stains out of their clothes, and vacuuming around a tornado of kids, and plugging in air-fresheners, and lifting massive, heavy-duty garbage bags out of their kitchens, and bringing hot food out to the dinner table? THAT'S ME! I didn't feel like that was me until this past month or so...but it totally is!

I'm entering into the next step of motherhood. Going from 'playing house' to 'living real life' so to speak. McKenzie is growing up, and all the sudden I need to kiss more than just the scrapes on her knees - I need to figure out how to kiss her broken heart because she feels betrayed by one of her best friends. All the sudden I need to encourage more than just saying 'please' and 'thank-you' - I need to figure out how to teach her to learn how to be polite always...especially when she's placed in uncomfortable situations. All the sudden I need to stop blocking dangerous things such as electricity outlets, and sharper scissors, and toasters, and butter knives, and ovens, and hammers, and nails - I need to show her how to use them properly, and teach her how to decide for herself what is dangerous and what is not.

You know what? I love it. I love this phase and I've just started it! This is kind of odd for me, because I usually have a difficult time transitioning from one phase to another - - - but I've been surprised with how gratifying these new problems are to solve. Sure, there have been tears and moments of frustration and times when I feel lost and unsure of how to proceed. But I am so excited to step a foot into this new life. A life of raising kids, along with babies and toddlers, losing teeth, making friends, learning science and math... ah!

This is going to be fun.

Smiling and Laughing

I was just sitting here staring at my belly. It was hopping and jumping and stretching and vibrating for about five full minutes before it went completely still...lopsided, as usual, with the right side slightly higher than the left. It made me smile and I realized that I haven't been very diligent about keeping my 'things that made me laugh or smile today' column current. It could be because I'm feeling a little more pessimistic these days - or it could be that I'm just too tired to think at the end of a day - or it could be that I'm not doing much smiling and laughing as I wait for the end of my pregnancy - or it could be because it got pushed underneath the pregnancy picture and ticker so I've forgotten about it - or it could be because I'm not sure anyone really reads it anyway - but, whatever the reason, I kind of miss it. It helps me focus on the positives of the day, and it gives me a place to go when I'm feeling overwhelmed with frustration or fatigue to read about all the wonderful things that happen to me on a day-to-day basis. And let's be honest here, how could I possibly go through a whole day without smiling and laughing when I have McKenzie and Carson in my life!?!

So, I think I'll start it up again. Here are just a few highlights that would have gone up there over the past two months:

*
me: McKenzie, do you know where your sunglasses are?
Kenz: Ummmm....check behind the toilet. That's where I keep stuff.

*
Kenz: I made a new friend today.
Me: Really!? Who?
Kenz: A boy named Caden.
I remember most of her preschool class, but couldn't quite put his face to his name, so I asked
Me: What does he look like?
Kenz: He had on a striped shirt and blue pants.
Ah...thanks.
A few days later.....
Me: Did you play with Caden again today?
Kenz: No. I didn't really like him today. *pause* he had on a really ugly black shirt that I didn't like.

*
Carson's talking is SO cute right now. He has this deep little voice, an adorable lisp, and the grammer that comes with most 2 year olds. My favorite sentence he says right now (supposed to be "Where am I, everybody?") is: "Where is me, every-guys?"

*
Brian, trying to suppress a laugh at dinnertime, exploded the laugh - - - sending little kernels of corn flying from his mouth to rain down all over the table! ... Maybe it was a 'had-to-be-there' moment.

*
YELLING across the house -
kenz from the bathroom: I'M GOING POO!
me from the family room: Okay, Kenz.
carson from the kitchen: WHAT, KENS?
kenz: I'M GOING POO, CARSON.
carson: OH. YOU GO-EEN POO?
kenz: YEAH.
carson: O-TAY.
30 seconds pause
carson: KENS?
kenz: WHAT?
carson: I LUB YOU.
kenz: I LOVE YOU TOO, BUDDY.

*
I bent down to give McKenzie a hug goodnight and she said, "Whoa, watch out with your big fat tummy hangin' down there, Mom."