Don't Judge the Bird

I watched the seabird struggle against the wind.  His wings flap, flap, flapped and I could see from below the backwards progress he was making.  He was tilting from side to side and then in a moment of decision, folded his wings into his body and dove - beak first - into the choppy waters below.  He came up empty handed and the wind blew him back over the sand and the dunes.  His flight became more staggered and his elevation dropped and rose and dropped and rose as if he were being jerked around by a cruel and invisible puppeteer.  That is the most ungraceful bird I have ever seen I thought to myself.  His brothers in the air were able to maintain their level of grace and composure despite the high winds... what a funny bird.

He seemed so unsure of himself, so confused at how to use his wings that he kept my attention.  And then, just like that, I was surprised to see him open broadly his magnificent wings and use the winds to soar beautifully, gracefully, majestically through the air directly above my head.  As he passed above, I saw what had been hidden to me from the distance.  He hadn't come up empty handed after all; a giant, floppy fish hung from his tight talons.  A bigger fish than I'd ever seen a bird that size carry.  And as I watched him soar gracefully down the beach to find a place to feed, I realized that he had never been ungraceful.  He had been struggling.  With the fish.


This was interesting to me.  You know, I thought sadly, I wonder how often I've done that to other people.  It seems to me like we're all wrestling in mid-air with sometimes invisible-to-others issues that could make us appear ungraceful, or curt, or unfeeling, or snooty, or fillintheblank.  A problematic car with no money or time to fix it might make me prone to snap at my kids.  A friendship that is falling apart might cause me to appear distant to my husband.  A child who is struggling in school might make me unwilling to help a friend (okay, confession: all of those things have happened).  But most of us are good people who care about others, and who are trying the best we can.  And, thankfully, we all have moments when we soar through life majestically, too.  This bird made me resolve to look deeper, as I continue on through life and its ever changing making-friends-and-keeping-them cycles, and try to be the kind of friend who will look at another with understanding and compassion.  The kind of friend that will be more careful about not letting an impression hide the truth.

Because, as I learned today, someone who might seem ungraceful might actually be very graceful, but struggling instead.

Building Strength

I think one of the hardest things about grief is not knowing how to help the griever...whether it's yourself, or someone close to you.

It has certainly been true in my case. Especially in the beginning, my grief changed forms so quickly that what may have helped in one hour, would set me to tears the next. Even today, when heartbroken friends ask for advice on how to help another loved one through a similar situation, I have no sure answer. Of course, I have thoughts and ideas guided by my one perspective, but the grief that accompanies the loss of your own child is such a personal thing, that the only one who really knows what is needed is our Heavenly Father. And, the most important thing that I learned through this trial (there are hundreds of other 'almost-the-most-important' things...), it's that He knows me better than I know myself. He does. And that He honestly, really loves me and wants me to be happy.

You, my friends, have been the answer to my prayers. As scared as I was to blog about my most tender feelings, I feel I was guided to do so. I didn't know it, but I needed you. I needed your kind words, and I needed your prayers. My heavy heart has lifted almost as suddenly as it came on. I think there are a few reasons for that... It's comforting to understand the reason for the change in emotion; it's helpful to 'talk it out' with you and hear your kind words of encouragement; and the Lord has heard the prayers that have been said in my behalf, and has found it fit to answer them quickly.

Yes, there's still a little pain - - - but it's good pain. Like the pain in your muscles the day after a hard workout; the pain that tells you you're getting stronger. I'm sure this next week and a half will be touched with it...but I welcome it.

Thank you all for being exactly what I needed.

Zippo - The Happy Flying Elf and Christmas, too

"McKenzie, wake up! Let's go find Zippo!"

This is the sentence I've been waking up to almost every morning for the past month or so.

Meet Zippo. Our happy flying elf.

All through December, Zippo has been an important part of our family. He sits up in high places, silently taking notes of the childrens' behavior. Each night, he flies all the way to the North Pole to report to the big man himself about what he saw in the Alder household. When he returns, just before the children awake, he sits in a new place and waits for the new day.

When the kids wake up, they storm through each room in search of their new friend and, once he's found, they laugh and point, jump up and down and shout, "Good morning, Zippo!" Zippo smiles back.

I don't find it a coincidence that my kids have been exceptionally well-behaved this month. After sharing a toy or completing a chore without whining, I frequently hear, "I bet Zippo was watching!" I've been a little affected by this happy elf as well. Often, when I start reaching my temper-threshold, I see that little red hat and those bright blue eyes flash into my mind...Zippo has kind of become a symbol of a real belief I have: I am being watched and silently encouraged to make good choices!

Zippo flew back to the North Pole on Christmas Eve after everyone was asleep, and didn't return on Christmas day. We suspect he's going to take a long nap and then start making the toys for next year. We're sure he'll come back to us at the beginning of December next year to help us all remember to be on our best behavior always, even when surrounded by the comfort of our own walls, and especially to those we love the most.

Zippo's reports must have been alright, because Santa came and brought the kids some great treasures. (Yes, a mop included...)
Lest you think Santa spoiled the children...these are not all from Santa. Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles spoiled the children. (Thank you!) :)

And now, for my Top Ten favorite things about Christmas this year:



#10 - Eating great food













Yes, it is a beautiful pie...but I didn't make it. In fact, I've never even attempted a pie like this. I leave that to my favorite pie-maker, Katie. :)



#9 - Making homemade popcorn and eating it out of our new popcorn buckets



#8 - Having sugar cereal on Christmas morning








Here I am, slaving away in the kitchen to prepare what we really all want for Christmas breakfast!



#7 - Having just the right amount of wrapping paper
This is seriously all we had left on Christmas Eve. After we cleaned up, we found one last present that needed to be wrapped, and Brian had to go rummaging around in the garbage can OUTSIDE to find all the scraps! I should have gotten a picture of that present after it was wrapped...it looked kind of homeless with all the different pieces taped together...



#6 - Opening presents











#5 - Watching the Nativity put on by kids



#4 - Quality time with the kids











#3 - Spending time with great friends

(I know, I know, I need to be better at taking group pictures with our friends!!!)



#2 - Staring at this handsome guy for a whole week



















#1 - Kid Cameras!!!
It has been SO FUN to watch these kids get into my obsession. :) This picture above captures my favorite moment of the Christmas season this year. (Don't worry, I'll get to telling you what the picture is...) On Christmas day, we decided to watch one of our new Disney movies (thanks to my brother Brian). We popped popcorn, brought the beanbags upstairs, turned the lights out and cuddled together with soft blankets as the kids watched Beauty and the Beast for the first time (sad, I know). Towards the end of the movie, the kids were shocked into silence when they thought the beast had been killed. They didn't move a muscle as Belle came and cried into the Beast's fur. Then, when the beast started rising from the ground, encircled by rags of clothing and magical sparks, Carson jumped up from his beanbag and shouted, "Oh! ... Oh!" He put his hands up in the air and ran out of the room as fast as he could. Puzzled, I asked after him, "Carson, where are you going?" And, from the other room, his little voice replied, "I have to get mine camwuh!" He came running back into the room holding his little camera and started snapping pictures of the television. (Yes, the photo is upside down...he won't believe us that he's holding the camera upside down, so we just let him be.) McKenzie joined in the fun seconds later, and Brian and I tried to muffle our laughs as flash after flash exploded from their cameras to capture this moment in time as the Beast turned into a prince.

I hope your Christmas was wonderful, too!