Scattered Thoughts

I just realized something new about myself: I don't handle 'the unknown' very well. (My family is, at this point, raising their eyebrows in surprise thinking, "You didn't know this before?") I've always known that I don't handle change well...I tend to plant deep roots around every single situation in my life, and I feel the pain when those roots must be cut in order for something to shift. But just recently, I've noticed that I don't even like the anticipation of change...which is what I mean by 'the unknown.' I like things to be clear, organized and patterned...so I begin to stress when I see 'change' coming up over the horizon, and I get more stressed when I can't bring this change into focus...when I don't know what he will look like, what he will feel like, and most importantly what he will do to my family.

This epiphany came to me while I was driving home from a friends house late last Friday night. McKenzie was asleep in the backseat, and Carson was contently chewing away at his favorite stuffed animal, Jasper. For no good reason, I burst into tears and started thinking about what a horrible day it had been. But when I tried to nail down what was so horrible about it, I couldn't find much at all. My kids had been a little bit fussier than normal, but it was really no big deal. The only real downer of the whole day was that I only saw Brian for a few minutes during his transition from school to the church for a youth activity.

All the sudden, I saw a huge correlation between my horrible days, and the days when I know Brian will be gone until late into the night.
"Why?" I thought to myself.
I think I'm so terrified of next year, when Brian will be gone late into the night many times a week, that I panic when he has to do it now. For some reason, I feel like I have to save my patience and energy for next year. Consequently, I'm very unwilling to use it now - making days like last Friday impossible to be happy through. I don't know what to expect for next year...but the anticipation of the change that it might bring paralyzes me, and I can't function.

I have no solution at this point - - -
I understand that I shouldn't view my patience as something that has a set amount...that once it's gone I will never have more. I should, instead, think of it as something that will grow stronger with practice; and use these patience requiring opportunities now to build a strong foundation so that when I need it in large quantities next year, it will be easier to call upon.

I do fear, however, that this is much easier said than done - - -