Friday, December 12, 2008

WARNING: Side effects may include BBS

Do you ever look at something about yourself and think, "Hmmm...I wonder if that's normal..." Unfortunately, that happens quite frequently with me. When Brian and I were dating, he made fun of many of my 'anatomical wonders' (as he called them). The funny bones sticking out of my feet and wrists, my crooked middle finger, my ever-dilated pupils, my pinky that won't straighten, my curled toes. The funny, tickly feeling I get in the back of my throat when I get licked by a cat, or eat a lot of cheese, or get my bangs cut (and I'm STILL trying to figure out what those three things have in common). The fact that the common 'achy flu feeling' is concentrated in my buttock when I'm sick, or how I feel an uncomfortable 'prick' in my salavary glands under the back of my tongue when I'm about to vomit.

There are some other less bloggable anomolies which I will keep to myself - but I have recently found a new one...or, rather, my doctor has recently found a new one: I have a lazy butt. A lazy butt, I tell you! Allow me to explain:

Ever since I was about sixteen-years old, I've had a slight discomfort in my lower back that comes and goes, and has shown itself to be uncomfortably aggravated by pregnancies - actually rendering me immobile for times with each child. I figured it was just something I'd have to fight through with each pregnancy, so I was quite scared and frustrated when the pain started coming back in July, and got increasingly worse so that by October I tweaked it a little and - BAM - it put me flat on my back for two days. And WITHOUT the help of pregnancy. Poor Brian had to take those days off of work because I seriously could not move - he had to help me do everything (going to the bathroom included), and I realized that I had to do something about this.

So - to the chiropractor I went! He did a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, muttering "hmmm...." and "okay...." and "so....." to himself the whole time, and saying, "lay like this..." and "bend like that..." and "point your toes up here..." to me. At one point, he had me laying face down and had me lift my leg straight up a couple of inches off the table. "AHHHH!!!" he exclaimed. "That's it!"

"Did you find something" I muttered intelligently into the cushion I was face-planted into.
"Yes," he replied. "I want you to keep your leg lifted, and poke your hamstring with your finger." I did so - it was flexed and hard. "Now, take your finger and feel your lower back." I did so - it was flexed and hard. "That is not supposed to be so hard," he explained. "Now, poke your butt." I did so - oh my.

Do I even want to admit how perfectly it jiggled - just like a bowl of freshly scooped jello?

"THAT," he said, "is supposed to be hard."
"Oh...oh, dear," was the only worthwile thing I could think of to say as I felt my face begin to flush with a little embarrassment. After all, I'm not quite used to talking about my butt with some man I hardly know! :) He had me sit up and went on to explain that my pelvis is tilted at an odd angle, making it less convienient for my body to use my butt muscles and that, over the years, my body has compensated by using the muscles in my lower back for all those motions that a butt muscle would generally perform. This, of course, has put extra strain on my lower back that it coudln't handle.

Solution: Butt exercises! While the chiropractor has been working to straighten my pelivis out a little more, I have been in charge of building butt muscle. But, you see, there's a problem with that. I'm developing BBS (big butt syndrome). Oh, the muscle is coming, and the pain is decreasing drastically, but...*whisper* the jello is not leaving. No, The muscle is simply pushing the jello farther and farther away from the center of my body - and - well - I now have BBS.

I've decided that I have to be okay with this, however. After all, it does give me something else to add to my 'anatomical wonders' list. :) And, oh yeah, I can walk again.


  1. This was so funny! Not your pain, I mean, but your openness about it all, especially the jell-o reference. Awesome. And I have to say, I totally relate with the "Is this normal" wonderings all the time. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one!

  2. Okay, I was LOL during this post. I don't mean to laugh at your expense... honest. I'm glad that you are getting the help you need. I'm sorry you feel like you have BBS. I wish I had your BBS... but anyway before this gets too awkward. Keep working on those butt muscles. Maybe come to Turbo Jam a few times!

  3. Anonymous7:50 PM

    Honey if you got it, flaunt it. ;)

    So glad to hear your workouts are decreasing the pain.

  4. I literally laughed out loud, boisterously after reading your post. That's hillarious, and you keep working on that "big butt" of yours. Did I just write that? You know, I hear they are in fashion these days. Okay, I'm going to stop writing right this instant before I get myself in trouble ;)

  5. Thanks for an entertaining post. That is an interesting problem, and I was thinking of your bang-cutting cheese eathing, throat tickle the other day (I don't know why...) I love the way you write, because I can see you telling me the same story with your animations. Walking is a good thing. And maybe after awhile, the jello will go away :)

  6. Okay Linds, I have to totally admit that I laughed harder at this post than any other in recent history. I can hear in my head the way that you said "oh dear" to the doctor. I can picture you all contorted on his table and I can picture you telling me this in person just like Becky can. You are a great story teller!! And as far as you having BBS, I have to laugh because I don't think you've ever had any part of your body BIG except your belly when prego! Good luck on eliminating the Jello Factor my friend. I'm glad you are finally feeling better! Love ya!!

  7. That's hilarious. You're one quirky chick. Sorry about your BBS. I have a feeling, if there isn't one already, we will soon be seeing commercials for a cure.

    P.S. My new BFF's dad-in-law was the mission prez in Thailand right before your dad. Small world, eh?

  8. Heh heh heh heh. :)

  9. ROFL 'lazy butt' syndrom. and BBS. I have 2 new terms to wonder and amaze my friends with :) Hope that your back continues to get better. Having suffered with low back issues for 15 years i definitely 'feel' your pain. tho mine was from a pinched nerve that surgery fixed, 'lazy butt' sounds way cooler ;) Merry Christmas!
    ~Micah aka. BigDaddy

  10. Anonymous11:47 AM

    Linds, that is a fabulous story! I loved it, though its unfortunate that you had to have a bad back for it to happen. I'm glad you actually found a solution and I think a little BBS would look awesome on you. I've had it all my life and I don't mind too much.

  11. That is hysterical. Good luck with the butt building, just wait...pretty soon your going to need to insure it like JaLo.

  12. i was reading this and remembering how you also couldn't handle having your neck touched, and how nathan and i would torment you endlessly by sneaking up on you and touching zee neck. we were horrible people. i apologize. and i'm sorry for all of your physical anomalies. i have a list of my own, though none top "lazy butt." ha!

  13. Oh Lindsay, you make me LAUGH! You'll be pleased to know that after laughing out loud multiple times, I had to read parts of this post to Justin :)